The Missing Grandma

My grandson had his first Chelsea art show last week.  I had been looking forward to it forever.  He was asked last year to participate and was somewhat hesitant because, like most artist and especially the deep down brilliant ones, he didn't trust himself.  He did, however, accepted the invite.


I decided that i would get someone to go with me and so i asked several men friends but nothing worked out.  My girlfriend moved to The Bronx with her boyfriend and so i know she couldn't  come. OK so i'll go by myself.   My dress decision was made and the bus route planned. The day arrived with hazy, hot, and humid weather.  I was sick to my stomach and  the body was aching.  Mid morning i discovered one of my fish was belly up.  I ended up texting my grandson and telling him i could not attend.  I was scared to even try which i'm finding is one of the side effects when the body doesn't move as well as it use too and the age is in the higher digits.

For days after i felt so guilty that i didn't attend and also sad that i missed the fun.  My grandson said the crowd was large.  There was an after party and good time was had by all.

The other night i remembered how horrible the weather was the night i had a showing of one of my sculptures and some jewelry at a group show..  TMB came in the rain and wind and granted me the proud pleasure of a grandson's attendance.  I know it was not easy for him to get there and i'm sure, as a then 15 year old, he had better things to do then go to his grandma's art show.

There will be other shows but this was the first big one and i am so sad that i didn't make it.  I guess i could have cabbed there and caught the bus home.  I didn't have to stay long--just make an appearance and celebrate this milestone with him. Sorry again T.

Pet Peeve Du jour

The still occasional nagging want for a cigarette. The after breakfast, with my coffee, is the worst.  It hasn't gone away even after all these years.

Indecision

In my next life i want to be a master metal worker and glass blower.    The opposites of the two mediums is fascinating.

Because this past week and today for sure, is about self doubt and poor me, i decided to reinvent myself with a career i can aspire to in the unknown life after death.  But why not do it now one asks. So much to do with so little time and i'm lazy.

Working with metal and glass was my love  and then the muse left me and the writing muse took over.  The writing muse is still on my shoulder but i am not paying attention to the disciplined process that writing requires.

I remember the out of body feeling when i was creating the jewelry. I would heat and bend the metal and combine the now hard medium with the colorful and clear glass blobs in intricate designs to be worn on the dress, or hat, or hung from the neck.  While i was doing this long ago i didn't realize that my design were really good.  People told me so but i didn't believe them.  Now i see the inventiveness in what i was doing and the beauty too.  Damn i wish i could have known that then.  In my next life i will know it because i will have already learned that lesson---NO YOU SAY?

There is a lesson in there somewhere.  Should i take that lesson and apply it to my writing?  I'm loving the writing when i do it but boy can i find reasons to not do it.  HELP ME MUSE!!!!!!  COME TO ME!!!!!

 

Debby Downer

Actually i should title the post "feel sorry for my self day".  Yesterday was not a good day.  My Guilt Free Sunday theme didn't work.  

My sister and i have had a standing skype date on Sundays at a specific time and yesterday she forgot.  My friend, who was suppose to be here for a movie and a pizza last Thursday, didn't show cuz she was "sick".   For the next three days something always happened like bad weather, the furniture cleaner came and the vac broke, and she got stuck in Queens.  Consequently my clean house, special salad and desert, movie, and excitement at seeing her after a great deal of time  just went down the tubes.  She never showed.  Was soooo apologetic but still didn't show.

I know my sister really did get busy with school, after being in the hospital and missing work (she's a teacher and had to write final reports), needed to do some catch up stuff.  Even so, how could she forget such a long standing date?

My friend, I don't know.  Maybe she was really tied up in all the stuff she said.  I even let her set the times.  Or maybe i'm feeling correct she just didn't want to come visit and didn't know how to tell me no.

I have close friends but most of them are on the west coast. My few friends here are friends but not close friends. My one friend moved to The Bronx with her boyfriend and so we don't get together much any more.  

Friends are important but it's hard for me to make friends, close friends.  I'm particular who i let into my life. It's not been a good week actually.  Woe is me.  This too shall pass. 

This morning though i got an unexpected email from a new friend i met at a dinner a few weeks ago.  My cousin and she were classmates at the "Natural Foods Gourmet Institute".  We clicked and she is now doing her internship in Texas and we are emailing each other.  Nice.

Life is good and then you die.