Indecision

In my next life i want to be a master metal worker and glass blower.    The opposites of the two mediums is fascinating.

Because this past week and today for sure, is about self doubt and poor me, i decided to reinvent myself with a career i can aspire to in the unknown life after death.  But why not do it now one asks. So much to do with so little time and i'm lazy.

Working with metal and glass was my love  and then the muse left me and the writing muse took over.  The writing muse is still on my shoulder but i am not paying attention to the disciplined process that writing requires.

I remember the out of body feeling when i was creating the jewelry. I would heat and bend the metal and combine the now hard medium with the colorful and clear glass blobs in intricate designs to be worn on the dress, or hat, or hung from the neck.  While i was doing this long ago i didn't realize that my design were really good.  People told me so but i didn't believe them.  Now i see the inventiveness in what i was doing and the beauty too.  Damn i wish i could have known that then.  In my next life i will know it because i will have already learned that lesson---NO YOU SAY?

There is a lesson in there somewhere.  Should i take that lesson and apply it to my writing?  I'm loving the writing when i do it but boy can i find reasons to not do it.  HELP ME MUSE!!!!!!  COME TO ME!!!!!

 

Debby Downer

Actually i should title the post "feel sorry for my self day".  Yesterday was not a good day.  My Guilt Free Sunday theme didn't work.  

My sister and i have had a standing skype date on Sundays at a specific time and yesterday she forgot.  My friend, who was suppose to be here for a movie and a pizza last Thursday, didn't show cuz she was "sick".   For the next three days something always happened like bad weather, the furniture cleaner came and the vac broke, and she got stuck in Queens.  Consequently my clean house, special salad and desert, movie, and excitement at seeing her after a great deal of time  just went down the tubes.  She never showed.  Was soooo apologetic but still didn't show.

I know my sister really did get busy with school, after being in the hospital and missing work (she's a teacher and had to write final reports), needed to do some catch up stuff.  Even so, how could she forget such a long standing date?

My friend, I don't know.  Maybe she was really tied up in all the stuff she said.  I even let her set the times.  Or maybe i'm feeling correct she just didn't want to come visit and didn't know how to tell me no.

I have close friends but most of them are on the west coast. My few friends here are friends but not close friends. My one friend moved to The Bronx with her boyfriend and so we don't get together much any more.  

Friends are important but it's hard for me to make friends, close friends.  I'm particular who i let into my life. It's not been a good week actually.  Woe is me.  This too shall pass. 

This morning though i got an unexpected email from a new friend i met at a dinner a few weeks ago.  My cousin and she were classmates at the "Natural Foods Gourmet Institute".  We clicked and she is now doing her internship in Texas and we are emailing each other.  Nice.

Life is good and then you die.

Political Stuff

Oh man!!!!  I find myself ranting and raving about Monsanto and like minded corporations on Facebook.  It all of a sudden hit me that i have kept my head buried in the sand and figured the powers that be would not let that horrible corporation do the dirty deed of artificial food letting.  GMO's

I'm not sure of all the technical stuff all i know is i have heard and read that the administration headed by President Borak Obama and the congress, passed a bill that is set in stone and will allow Monsanto and corporations like it, continue to buy up land all over the world and plant Genetically Modified Organisms. We are doomed!!!! May be i should say our future generations are doomed.  I did hear that one country, Hungary, is burning all Monsanto crops.

The bees are dying, the birds are disappearing, animals and fish are dying mysterious deaths, and so what are our future generations going to have as food sources.  I don't know the answer, all i know is i am disturbed and my normally complacent demeanor has been riled.

The other thing that bothers me is the rest of the world, yes the world, is up in arms and continues to protest the planting of crops.  A demonstration was held last week involving the rest of the world--did we hear much about it, was it given much press other than a slight mention---NO.

I am an Obama person.  I voted for him, i like him, i can excuse some of the criticisms against him, but i cannot forgive his passing of this recent legislation that is allows the planting of gmo products.
The world will not forgive either.

WHAT is going on and WHO is behind all this?  It's certainly not just one man in one minute of time.

Last Dinner With My Cousin--At Least This Trip

Two topics of conversation are always discussed when ever two or more people gather to chew the fat at any time or any place in New York City.  One is apartments---"Do you know of any cheap apartment for rent"?  "Is your apartment under rent control".  "I'm looking for a short lease--know of any?" "I saw a for sale sign for a place on 46th between Ninth and Tenth"  Or the ultimate,  "What do you pay and is it rent control".

The other topic, and one that happens in an apartment, during a party, on the street, in the ladies room, anywhere is "Where are we going to eat".  "Do you know of any new place to try that's inexpensive"  "Where's a cheep place to eat."  "What kind of food do they have".  The questions go on and on and sometimes start again even after seated, if the lighting or vibe or crowd doesn't look "right". Here we go---moved again.

My cousin has been here from California to attend the Natural Foods Culinary Institute.  She's a California gal for sure, and she's a real trooper.   She found a tiny apartment on the upper west side, for the duration of the four month curriculum. She got on the subway every morning, spent the day in school, came home on the subway, studied and then the next day started the routine all over again.

We hadn't seen each other for many years and although we are 20 or so years apart  and knew each other when we were much younger, we celebrated our reunion with a great anticipation of spending time together and catching up.  Ya right!!!!!

It's her last week and she's through with her testing and we decide to have a celebratory early last dinner before she left.  I have been at the Institute a couple times, once for a beautifully prepared brunch and then again for a dinner put on by the group of students that included my cousin. Other then another time she was at my home we haven't had much time together

I arrive around 5 pm  and finally see her temporary New York  home which has been mostly already cleared out. She has to leave to go back to her home in Tahoe and fulfill her intern duties as part of the culinary degree. She has kindly filled a couple bags of kitchen things that she doesn't' need, for me to take home.  She has also offered to go home on the bus with me to help carry, as they are heavy.  No car!!!!!

We decide after much discussion, to try the place right on the corner that not only my daughter recommended but that is always busy and I'd heard good things about so it sounded like a good bet. The place is beautiful and even though they didn't have room out side we decided inside would be fine.  We were ushered to a table way in the back right next to the restrooms.  No way.  The vibe was also off so we decided to leave.

OK now where do we go???? Sue checks her phone to see what might be recommended in the hood and we decide on another Italian place within walking distance. We were seated outside and the vibe was right and the menu looked reasonable enough so finally we had found our spot.

We decided to split three dishes--a salad--some pasta--and a steak.  We placed our order and explained what we wanted to do.  Cool!  The delicious bread was served along with a faboo olive oil and we were ready to chow down.  First came the salad with two plates.  My cousin ordered and glass of wine and we began.  The salad was quite tasty but before we were even finished the waiter took the salad away and immediately returned with both the pasta and  the steak special.  Woe! what happened why are we being served both at the same time and where were the extra plates.  The pasta which looked delish was cold, the steak that we ordered medium rare was so well done there was no pink at all.  This is not good. We called over the waiter and told him about the discrepancies in the meal.  Both the salad removal too soon and the cold pasta and well done steak.  OK-- the steak went back but was returned not more then five minute later.  The meat had been cooked on one side turned over and with the cow still mooing sat heavily on the plate.  Sue cut into it and it was more then blood rare.  Yuk!!!----We need to see the manager.  My diplomatic cousin was firm but polite and explained the situation and the manager listened and of course apologized several times.  After many minutes of a discussion re culinary experiences and some mutual acquaintances on the west coast my cousin explained that she would gladly pay for the wine but that we would not be  staying.  He asked if he could make it right and we said no thank you.  He then said "it's on me then" and we boogied out of there.

Now what do we do.  We still have not eaten.  OK, so we decide to go pick up my new treasures at Sue's place and grab a cab to my place down a mile or so to Hell's Kitchen where i live.  There is a restaurant that i took Sue too when she first arrived and she and i both like the place so we go to my apartment, sit a spell, call, and they are full but if we wait a bit there will be room.

I just happened to mention my favorite place across the street Zuni's.  Simple but good food and good atmosphere and great wait staff so Sue says, "that's where i want to go"  So once again we go  in search of food.

We hit the jackpot.  The meal was fabulous and not only did we enjoy every bite, we were entertained by some darling girls from Germany who were eating after a concert given at another venue and chose to entertain the wait staff with a song as a thank you.
Our long and involved evening ended with the magic that only New York can provide.  A fabulous meal with a lovely dear cousin and some unexpected music from some young German Frauleins.

So if you expect to visit our fair city anytime soon, be sure and brush up on apartment and food information.  I guarantee the subject will come up. And if you're lucky you'll be able to share an unforgettable dining experience with a much beloved cousin and friend like i did.

The Bonus Gift of School. My Mother

Interesting thoughts have invaded my mind since starting the short term writing class at Hunter.  My mother has been on my mind.  Quite fitting since tomorrow is Mother's Day.

My daughter told me recently that  she senses her gramma Rita by my side through this new adventure.  I was taken aback as my mom (Rita) and i were not close.  Even after her death, i have not felt close to her.  My pop is a different story.  Daddy has been my guide in a very personal way since his death.  He has seen me through some rough spots and guided my journey.  I speak to him almost daily and he answers.

Mom tried i think, but her way and my way clashed for some reason.  It was hard for her to express love.  My siblings and i agree that mother was not as affectionate as dad.  In fact she could be cold. I'm realizing she maybe didn't know how.

People loved my mother.  I often heard, growing up, that she was the best nurse in the whole Rogue Valley. She was an RN who loved her job so much that she even volunteered at the nursing home for years and also would administer to the migrant workers, every summer, who came to pick pears.  I never felt she neglected us, but i can't quite put my finger on my moms lack of warmth.

My writing class however, has awakened in me memories of my mom and writing.  She loved to write and always had beautiful stationery and the perfect pen.   She also had beautiful  hand writing.  She would often decorate my birthday cards and envelopes with lovely detailed artistic script like calligraphy only it was mom's version.  I am sad to say that with all my moves, any cards that i had kept are gone.   She always insisted on correct grammar and proper spelling.  I do remember many times her pride in my writing papers that occasionally got A's or B's.  The only A's i would really ever get.

My writing class, with the perfect instructor, has been such a gift in so many ways.  I am learning new ways of construction and am hoping to be able to put them to use in my blog and maybe more.  My daughters gift to me was a reminder of my mother.  I notice a certain new feeling settling in that just might be my mother standing at my side.

"Move over pop, you have company".

Out and About

There are no locks on the outside nor inside of my apartment.  I am free to come and go as i please.  However a couple of my loving friends and more than a couple relatives have suggested maybe i should get out more and interact with people. Sooooo......

This morning i arnicaed my hands and shoulders, took my acetaminophen, inhaled my Combivent, grabbed my cane, and left.  Two Harriet Doerr books and a beloved  Laura Childs mystery are on the hold shelf, at the library, waiting for me.

The town is a mess.  Police are on every corner, barricades are going up for the two "runs" scheduled for this weekend and the chatter is all about the state of the universe.  I want escape.

The route on the bus to the library is always interesting and has been a source of entertainment for me since my arrival in this city.  We ride through the middle of Times Square.  Tourists abound and are usually fun to interact with and to help and assist if need be. The Chinese immigration building,  (i don't know what it's called officially) is on the west side so the going home routine often includes a bus full of Chinese with their families, both little and big and young and old. Today was a day for me to enjoy being out in the world.

After picking up my books at the library, i stopped at BCBG MAX AZRIA.  The clothes are fabulously designed and styled.  I love seeing them. BCBG is high end, out of my price range and body type sizes, but i love it anyway.  Usually when i enter i am ignored and really don't care. Today after seeing a particular styling technique in the window,  I go in and am greeted and helped. My questions were answered, i was shown the elevator so i could go downstairs to explore more of the beautiful designs. My artists soul  was satisfied in that store today. Sean Combs had a store too for a while that i would go too.  I was always treated with respect.  I often wish i had purchased a t-shirt or two.  I loved his designs.  It was a men's store but who cares.

I then make my way back to 42nd street, grab the bus, and  after assisting a young family with a stroller and a baby and watching Times Square pass by, i am home.

The writing class starts in a couple weeks.  There will be opportunities to be out and about with young and old alike.  I'm excited, however meeting new people has always been difficult for me.  I've never been comfortable with small talk.  It's not that i'm not social. I'm not exactly sure why it is that i like alone time so much.  I want to write. One can't be around people and write.  It's a solitary activity.

I show up, do the best i can, one day at a time.  I'll make more of an effort to interact.  That's my new plan.

The Point

The Daily News Sunday Funnies is my choice for bathroom reading material.  Some of the current comic strips are a mystery to me--i don't understand them.  It causes me embarrassment to admit that I'm not hip enough to under stand the abstract, but it's true.

However---Last week in, Between the Lines by Max Garcia, was a drawing of two pencils.  One was a new #2 non sharpened pencil who's bubble held so much dialogue that i was tempted to skip read.  "So i woke up this morning decided to check the weather,but then i remembered that Becky had told me that it was suppose to rain, so i just decided to brush my teeth instead of checking the weather. But before i did that, i decided to make some coffee, but.....

The second was a sharpened pencil who's only words in the bubble were "kill me"  I got it.

On CBS Sunday Morning there was a tribute to the great Roger Ebert.  "He always made his point" the reporter reported.  He did indeed.

An aside piece in the Daily News Vue by Don Kaplan is titled  "CNN misses 'The Point' ".

All of a sudden i realized my blog often doesn't make a definite point. The point being--i don't always make a point and that's the point. Lesson duly noted.