Therapy has been a part of my life since the early 80's. There was a bit of therapy having to do with my marriages before then but my real therapy started in the 80's.
Being born a women in the 40's, the middle child of a large catholic family, the only girl with 5 brothers till the age of 15 when my sister appeared, and a product of a twelve year catholic education, which my parents worked extremely hard to provide, I accumulated a lot of guilt for things that i was told were bad but which i did anyway. I was not even aware that the feelings inside for doing those venial things was called guilt till i was older. All i knew was the twisted feeling of a knot in my stomach.
Most of us have guilt at least to some extent. I don't believe we're born with it but that we're taught. Most of what we were taught, i'm sure, was with good intentions. To some, guilt can be a good thing--or that's what we're told.
The thought came to me at one particular point in therapy when i heard of guilt as a habit. OMG the light dawned. What if i practiced, for one minute, half hour, hour, or even a day, not having guilt. Okay lets try a day at a time. One day a week. I picked sunday as my guilt free day.
Before i knew it i could make a whole day of not feeling guilty. No more should's. Just live my day, and do, work, play, waste, rest, live and have no guilt. It took a while. Guilt still creeps in--but not as often and when it does i have to examine why it's there.
Some people might think that having to practice being not guilty is crazy thinking, but guilt is a habit, and i believe my guilt led me to some unhealthy habits in living and guilt was part of that pain.
My ritual of "guilt free sunday" (now a part of my everyday life) is my simple reminder of living a life of conscious actions out of love and humanity and not out of guilt. Most of the time it works.
Thursday, January 31, 2013
The Joy of Skype
Skype is my joy and my connection to family and friends on the other side of the land. My daughter, my son, my sister, my brothers my nieces and nephews and friends speak to me live and in living color.
I remember not so long ago, the marvel of thought that maybe one day we would be able to see the person we were talking too but not quite believing that we would. "Ah come on!!! That's never going to happen. Who wants someone to see me looking like this when i answer the phone".
My daughter lived and worked just blocks from me here in hell's kitchen. I see and talk to her much more now that she lives over 3,000 miles away. She points the camera out the window so i can see her many bird feeders and the beautiful birds and nature she now has out her back door. I see my beloved Amber, her dog i held as a puppy on the day she came to join her family here in Manhattan. She is a west coast dog now. It took her some time to get use to her freedom of space but now i see her outdoors and having the time of her life with the critters that nose around her territory.
My son puts his phone on the dashboard of the car and i drive from Tucson to Phoenix with him while catching up on life's happenings. He has to secure the camera though or i get car sick. He keeps me up on what he is doing. I'm grateful for that.
My sister opened the sliding door of the weekend get-a-way she and Kirk stayed at while at the spectacular Oregon coast. I heard and saw the waves crashing on the rocky beach and the seagulls flying and circling overhead. I saw the sun set over the mighty Pacific. Plus i had the now weekly skype visit with my sis.
I love skype and highly recommend it to people who have friends and relatives in far away places. It won't replace a warm hug but it does come with no expectation and is the next best thing to being there.
Oh! by the way--I will join the family at the super bowl this sunday as they gather together at my brothers in Medford. I will be able to see and talk to each of my siblings and their spouses at the annual feburary birthday gathering held at my sisters in Coos Bay. One day i hope to be there in person but since i can't, we skype and i'm a happy camper.
I remember not so long ago, the marvel of thought that maybe one day we would be able to see the person we were talking too but not quite believing that we would. "Ah come on!!! That's never going to happen. Who wants someone to see me looking like this when i answer the phone".
My daughter lived and worked just blocks from me here in hell's kitchen. I see and talk to her much more now that she lives over 3,000 miles away. She points the camera out the window so i can see her many bird feeders and the beautiful birds and nature she now has out her back door. I see my beloved Amber, her dog i held as a puppy on the day she came to join her family here in Manhattan. She is a west coast dog now. It took her some time to get use to her freedom of space but now i see her outdoors and having the time of her life with the critters that nose around her territory.
My son puts his phone on the dashboard of the car and i drive from Tucson to Phoenix with him while catching up on life's happenings. He has to secure the camera though or i get car sick. He keeps me up on what he is doing. I'm grateful for that.
My sister opened the sliding door of the weekend get-a-way she and Kirk stayed at while at the spectacular Oregon coast. I heard and saw the waves crashing on the rocky beach and the seagulls flying and circling overhead. I saw the sun set over the mighty Pacific. Plus i had the now weekly skype visit with my sis.
I love skype and highly recommend it to people who have friends and relatives in far away places. It won't replace a warm hug but it does come with no expectation and is the next best thing to being there.
Oh! by the way--I will join the family at the super bowl this sunday as they gather together at my brothers in Medford. I will be able to see and talk to each of my siblings and their spouses at the annual feburary birthday gathering held at my sisters in Coos Bay. One day i hope to be there in person but since i can't, we skype and i'm a happy camper.
Pet Peeve DuJour
Weirdly folded, tissue thin, narrow napkins, that restaurants give out when they are cutting back or are close to folding. Might as well use toilet paper.
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Conspiracy of the Universe
The netflix dvd's needed to be dropped off today in order for me to get replacement dvd's in a timely manner. While doing the deed i ran into a couple new friends i made at the senior coffee last week. I went because it was january birthday celebration day. Normally i only go on bingo days. Once a month is enough.
For many of the last 30 years i have been a loner. I believe i have been a loner most of my life. I grew up in a large family and had many friends while growing up. Some of those friends are still in my life to this day. My time alone is precious, maybe because of growing up in a big family. I love my family, but with so many of us there was little time to be alone.
As an artist, a discovery i made at 45, i guess it's not unreasonable to like time alone. The nature of creating and making a jewelry line and art, and writing my bits and pieces of life is kind of a solitary process. No matter how much i try though more and more people are invading my life. Is it a bad thing? I'm just questioning and wondering why my life and thinking is changing.
"Getting older is not for the faint of heart" someone famous said, and he/she was sssssooooo right!!! It also causes one to reflect on the past reasons for doing things or not doing things---living and being.
There is a snob in me. I don't want to be infirm and use a cane--i don't want to be a senior and be offered a seat on the bus because of my gray hair--I don't want to attend a coffee that's listed "senior coffee day", and the list could go on. Many of the reasons are stereotypical reasons having to do with getting older. WHAT ME!!!!! NO WAY!!!!!
All along i profess that age is just a number and has nothing to do with how i feel. Well for me it does have to do with how i feel. Reflect ann marie--the cake i had last night has sugar and gluten which i was told are bad for me and i did it any way. Shit. See, guilt creeps in like a thief in the night.
Back to the conspiracy of the universe.
The time has come for me to let people into my life. Serendipitous situations demand it. I still need tons of alone time but i also need people and conversation and fun. The universe has been good to me in providing me with a beautiful place to live in a city i love. There are trade off's as with everything in life but with my skype by my side and my growing curiosity blooming again i believe renewal has begun.
Thank you, God, Universe, Goddesses.
Just call me an ecumenical curious women of a certain age.
For many of the last 30 years i have been a loner. I believe i have been a loner most of my life. I grew up in a large family and had many friends while growing up. Some of those friends are still in my life to this day. My time alone is precious, maybe because of growing up in a big family. I love my family, but with so many of us there was little time to be alone.
As an artist, a discovery i made at 45, i guess it's not unreasonable to like time alone. The nature of creating and making a jewelry line and art, and writing my bits and pieces of life is kind of a solitary process. No matter how much i try though more and more people are invading my life. Is it a bad thing? I'm just questioning and wondering why my life and thinking is changing.
"Getting older is not for the faint of heart" someone famous said, and he/she was sssssooooo right!!! It also causes one to reflect on the past reasons for doing things or not doing things---living and being.
There is a snob in me. I don't want to be infirm and use a cane--i don't want to be a senior and be offered a seat on the bus because of my gray hair--I don't want to attend a coffee that's listed "senior coffee day", and the list could go on. Many of the reasons are stereotypical reasons having to do with getting older. WHAT ME!!!!! NO WAY!!!!!
All along i profess that age is just a number and has nothing to do with how i feel. Well for me it does have to do with how i feel. Reflect ann marie--the cake i had last night has sugar and gluten which i was told are bad for me and i did it any way. Shit. See, guilt creeps in like a thief in the night.
Back to the conspiracy of the universe.
The time has come for me to let people into my life. Serendipitous situations demand it. I still need tons of alone time but i also need people and conversation and fun. The universe has been good to me in providing me with a beautiful place to live in a city i love. There are trade off's as with everything in life but with my skype by my side and my growing curiosity blooming again i believe renewal has begun.
Thank you, God, Universe, Goddesses.
Just call me an ecumenical curious women of a certain age.
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Resolve continued
At least i am posting. The problem is my ignorance of the machine i'm using. The language for the use of said machine is confusing.
I'm a button pusher and tend to go for it when i don't understand the directions--hence-lost writings. The important thing is to keep at it and along the way i'll find help and will persevere.
I'm a button pusher and tend to go for it when i don't understand the directions--hence-lost writings. The important thing is to keep at it and along the way i'll find help and will persevere.
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
My Blogging Resolve
I just lost, into outer computer space, my first blog in a long time and i am pissed. If i knew more about this computer i would be able to find it, Instead i'll try and remember the brilliantly written (i'm sure) review of my decision to start posting again.
"I think it's time for me to cut the apron strings, ann". You've been off your meds for a few months now and you seem to be progressing nicely". OMG. Scary. My therapist is my savior. She has seen me though years of so much and now she wants to set me free? Oh my!
I came home to my fabulous apartment (my nest) on the 19th floor and burned some sage and meditated. I have been feeling a sense of renewal for the last few months and i wanted to celebrate that feeling in a special way.
I have been told, after expressing the sadness of it having been gone, that creativity lays fallow for a while and will appear again. I had my doubts. No doubts now. Not only the art of metal but the writing art also.
While a child, i belonged to the 4H clubs, and made many friends. Some are still my friends. One friend in particular has been in and out of my life in profound ways for many years. We are now email buddies. She in borrago springs, ca and me in new york city. We are opposites in many ways but our likenesses are the good things we cherish.
We email several times a day. We both enjoy writing and get to use each other to express what our lives are like in many different ways.
While emailing my friend i decided to try a new writing style. My writing teacher would have a fit as i ignore some writing and grammar rules. I might revise my style but i'm a work in progress and rules are meant to be challenged and sometimes broken.
I intend to pay attention to my long neglected blog.
"I think it's time for me to cut the apron strings, ann". You've been off your meds for a few months now and you seem to be progressing nicely". OMG. Scary. My therapist is my savior. She has seen me though years of so much and now she wants to set me free? Oh my!
I came home to my fabulous apartment (my nest) on the 19th floor and burned some sage and meditated. I have been feeling a sense of renewal for the last few months and i wanted to celebrate that feeling in a special way.
I have been told, after expressing the sadness of it having been gone, that creativity lays fallow for a while and will appear again. I had my doubts. No doubts now. Not only the art of metal but the writing art also.
While a child, i belonged to the 4H clubs, and made many friends. Some are still my friends. One friend in particular has been in and out of my life in profound ways for many years. We are now email buddies. She in borrago springs, ca and me in new york city. We are opposites in many ways but our likenesses are the good things we cherish.
We email several times a day. We both enjoy writing and get to use each other to express what our lives are like in many different ways.
While emailing my friend i decided to try a new writing style. My writing teacher would have a fit as i ignore some writing and grammar rules. I might revise my style but i'm a work in progress and rules are meant to be challenged and sometimes broken.
I intend to pay attention to my long neglected blog.
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